Rejected Jesus Saved by Jew
by Steed Dropout
February 25, 2013
Editor’s note. This is Dropout’s second screenplay for Berkeley Reporter. Back in July, he riffed on Sunset Boulevard and an allegedly murdered People’s Park dog.
CAST-OUT JESUS, THE MOVIE
Open on small South side Berkeley apartment, overlooking the Bay. Narrator takes us on tour of his street-score, lovingly describing each item.
Voice-over: “Berkeley Street Score has furnished seventy percent of my apartment swag.”
“A cotton-filled Mr.Peanut, looks down from cedar shelves, it’s tiny feet poking out of the red British scaled-down phone booth. ”
VO: “it was only last year, I gave Peanut a sponge bath, cradling the small doll, like when I had held my tiny daughter. Now I’m playing with dolls, I intoned regretfully.”
“VO: “One of the three amigos of Bugs, Mr. Peanut bottle, Spark Bibo (reads from box )
Reading from Spark Bi-bo box:
“Bibo is god monster with intelligence. He has two big eyes, and he knows very well what people want to do. he cannot speak, but only Bi-Bo.”
“When there is any danger happened, he will speak . the top part of his head will light up and his hip will make many colorful smoke to survive because this smoke is stinking.”
Bi-bo has not sparked nor hip-twisted nor amused for years. He walk like crippled old man whose joints failure.
“In this joyful toy land, Mr. Ivory, a medieval knight carved from an elephant’s tusk, surveys his kingdom. I met the knight in Hong Kong, 1963, and brought him back to pal around with.”
Pan to narrator, who steps from behind the camera to be a more physical guide.
Narrator stops at Jesus stature. “But this is my prime street treasure I call it “Cast-out Jesus.,” because I found it discarded from a local church that had razed parts of the old church to build a lucrative dorm.
“We’re going to return to the scene of that find a decade ago.”
RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
“I’m grabbing my Jesus swag for a trek back to the church which cast Jesus out at the dumpster. Jesus returning to the scene of his casting out.”
Narrator gathers up his Jesus and leaves apartment. Shots are both from behind and in front. Life on the street will be whatever happens to be happening — the scene — aleatory, like “the Graduate.”
Telegraph Avenue scenes, 1969, caused shooting to go South when hippies kept intruding in shots of the Graduate. We’ll be lucky to find a hippy who isn’t seventy. We now call hippies adventure tourists.
At the church at the dumpster, Narrator faces camera, cradling Jesus icon.
He will re-enact the day he found Jesus.
“I first saw it leaning against the dumpster. It was a burnished black, from patina, but I cleaned it up. Now it’s not black, but platinum plate on a massive oak base. I could have had the proof of a black Jesus.”
“I spotted Jesus before entering my gym, but left it there while I figured out what had happened. Clearly it had been tossed, but the tosser couldn’t dumpster it, and may have wanted a Jew like me to find it.”
“I knew I wanted it. But what if someone beats me out; what if it was just resting there before returning to the church?”
“I liked the idea of stealing the gold.”
“I went back to claim it.”
“I wish I hadn’t removed the valuable black patina with its racial mockery.”
“But I love the way the platinum shines in the afternoon light.
“Ever since a kid visiting St John’s Hospital, Springfield, Illinois, I had wanted to lift one of these babies; the costly statuettes pervaded the hospital. Tucked into nooks and displayed in crannies.”
“Had I saved my Jesus from some thoughtless janitor, or was this an elaborate conversion plot?”
“Christians use Jesus statuettes to lure unsuspecting Jews?”
“Jesus is my most cherished street score. Perhaps if I rubbed it and prayed, the genie would spring into action. Unlike the cold cold church which abandoned him, my Jesus has landed with Bugs, Mr. Peanut, Elvis, Mr. Ivory, and me.
I got over the guilt of spiriting away the Jesus, but not the guilt of losing the patina which I’m too old to regrow. Not to mention unethical race re-assignment.
I have Johnny Cash (singing Ring of Fire), Dean Martin doing “wanna the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie.” Elvis does “Love Me Tender.” But these are much smaller toys than Jesus; not as big though, as the Beatles, according to the historical Beatles.
Jesus don’t sing or dance, spit fire, or shake his hip; that Elvis.
Welcome back, Steed. We’re rating this C for Christian advisory or J for Jewish advisory. Keep in mind, this is show-business, folks. We will announce our world premier on You Tube of Cast-Out Jesus, the Movie. But we’re in development at the moment. Mel Gibson watch out.